Jess and Chelsie on Eve of a Title
’Twas the night before the finals, when all through the Worst,
Every manager wondered just who’d finish first.
The Power Rankings were posted online with great care,
In hopes that a champion soon would be there.
The eliminated were nestled all smug in their beds,
While visions of playoffs danced still in their heads.
And the commish, the old curmudgeon, and I buried in stats,
Both bounced on Hanukkah, taking off-season naps.
When out in the playoffs there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed, watching from the consolation ladder.
Away to the app I flew like a flash,
Tore open my spreadsheet while Alex counted his cash.
The glow from the screen of the new-fallen teams
Cast a bluster of heartbreak on playoff-busted dreams.
When what to my envious eyes did appear,
But Chelsie and Jess, leaving no doubt this year.
With a tight end exploding so lively and slick,
I thought, wait a minute… is that Kyle Pitts?!
But more rapid than Philadelphia Eagles, Chelsie’s all-stars they came,
While Jess whistled and shouted, calling out her opponents by name:
“Down Alex! Down Brandon! Down Erik so quick!
Bye Gray and Beth Ann—and both of the Glicks!
No Greco, no Geoff, no Samantha at all,
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
They sprang with their sights on a long-awaited title,
And away they both flew to the fantasy finals.
And I heard them exclaim, as the matchup drew tight—
“Happy Christmas to all, and to the best team, good night!”
Hope you enjoyed that little holiday warm-up. Now that the poetry is out of the way, let’s rewind and take stock of how we got here. This week, we’ll look back at the first two rounds of the playoffs before turning our attention to the Finals.
The finals are set! It’s a fantastic all-female final of (2) Jess vs. (5) Chelsie.
The First Round
(5) Chelsie overcame (4) Greco and Kyle Pitts’ career day, and (3) Josh fell short to (6) Samantha.
4-seed Greco (8-6) vs. 5-seed Chelsie (7-7)
The first round of the playoffs started with an unexpected bang from the unlikeliest of places—Kyle Pitts.
Pitts exploded for 45.6 points on Thursday night, scoring three touchdowns and posting the fifth-highest fantasy total by a TE in NFL history—the most in 25 years. Even wilder: 7% of Pitts’ entire career fantasy production came in that one game.
When that happens, it’s supposed to be a wrap. But not in the Worst League.
Despite Pitts’ eruption, Greco still lost—making it the most points ever scored by a single player in a losing playoff effort in league history. It breaks the record Samantha set last year, when Tee Higgins dropped 40.1 points in a consolation-round loss to Jess.
Chelsie, unfazed, methodically clawed her way back. She got 17+ points from C.J. Stroud, De’Von Achane, CeeDee Lamb, Jaxon Smith-Njigba, and George Kittle, plus a massive 31.5 points from Travis Etienne. The all-around effort added up to 157.8 points, more than enough to advance.
Greco, meanwhile, had only one other player crack 15 points.
There are no weekly prizes in the playoffs—but if there were, Chelsie would’ve won yet another one. It would’ve been her league-leading fifth of the season.
For Greco, this was a tough draw. She would have beaten any other playoff opponent. Instead, she ran straight into Chelsie and was promptly eliminated, dropping her career playoff record to 8–9 across eight appearances.
Sometimes fantasy football really is the Pitts. 😉
3-seed Josh (8-6) vs. 6-seed Samantha (7-7)
While Chelsie’s win technically qualifies as an upset by seed, she was the heavy favorite entering the playoffs. The real surprise of Round One was Samantha knocking off Josh.
Samantha posted a perfectly respectable 114.6 points, but this game was more about Josh’s collapse. One of the hottest teams heading into the postseason, Josh managed just 92.82 points—his second-lowest total of the entire season.
That’s especially brutal considering he’d topped Samantha’s Week 15 score in six of the previous seven weeks.
Josh did get big performances from Josh Allen, Kyren Williams, and Ja’Marr Chase, who accounted for nearly 75% of his team’s total scoring. Unfortunately, everyone else disappeared. Every remaining starter scored seven points or fewer, including his much-trusted Seahawks D/ST, which limped to six.
The result is an all-too-familiar ending for Josh: a playoff exit.
Only Gray has made the postseason more times, but Josh now stands alone atop the league leaderboard for playoff losses, with 11 losses compared to just 4 wins. This also marks the fifth time he’s been bounced in the first round.
But as the saying goes: Making the playoffs takes skill. Winning it all takes luck.
The Second Round
(5) Geoff and (6) Josh advanced to the finals with wins over (1) Samantha and (2) Jess.
1-seed Geoff (10-4) vs. 5-seed Chelsie (7-7)
On paper, this was shaping up to be a championship-caliber showdown between the teams that finished first and second in the final Power Rankings.
In reality? This was a public execution.
Chelsie steamrolled Geoff by 87.84 points, nearly doubling him up in what was the second-largest margin of victory in playoff history—trailing only Gray’s infamous 151-55 semifinal blowout of Josh back in 2016.
Chelsie got elite production everywhere, but the headliner was Chris Olave, whom she wisely started over DeVonta Smith. Olave dropped 36.8 points, the second-most in Week 16, and has been on an absolute heater, averaging 28.7 ppg in the playoffs while quietly ranking as WR6 on the season.
Meanwhile, the Streaker finally struck out.
After opening the season with nine straight wins, Geoff closed it out 1-5 over his final six games, ending his title defense with a whimper.
Injuries didn’t help. Rashee Rice missed Week 16 with a concussion. Drake London returned from a knee injury but was clearly limited, posting just 5.7 points. And Jaxson Dart… well, there’s no sugarcoating 0.02 points—easily his worst outing since taking over as the starter.
With that, the reigning champ is officially dethroned. No repeat title—but still a heckuva two-year run.
2-seed Jess (9-5) vs. 6-seed Samantha (7-7)
The season’s early frontrunner, Samantha finally bowed out in the semifinals.
After starting the season 6–2, she dropped six of her final eight games. Lamar Jackson struggled mightily in Week 16 (4.74 points), and Emeka Egbuka continued to look nothing like his early-season self (5 points).
Still, zooming out, Samantha’s consistency remains unmatched: six playoff appearances in eight seasons, a 75% success rate that is tops in the league.
Jess, meanwhile, validated her high seed.
The combo of Drake Maye and Saquon Barkley powered her past Samantha, and a midseason trade with Gray for A.J. Brown is paying off at exactly the right time (Brown chipped in 18.5 points in the semifinal). Add a now-healthy Mike Evans joining the roster, and the timing couldn’t be better.
The win sends Jess to her fourth championship appearance, tying her with Gray and Greco. Only Brandon has more. It’s also her first Finals trip since 2018, and now she gets a shot at her second title.
Previewing the Finals
The computer considers Chelsie to be a heavy favorite with a 69% chance of winning her first title.
Get ready for history! Wins by Chelsie and Jess have set up the first all-female championship matchup in league history.
That’s notable, not because women haven’t dominated this league before, but because they absolutely have. Greco, Jess, Beth Ann, and Samantha are all already enshrined in the Hall of Champions. The question now is simple: will Chelsie join them, or will Jess hoist her second championship trophy?
On paper, this matchup isn’t particularly close.
Despite Chelsie entering as the 5 seed and Jess as the 2, Chelsie is the clear favorite by just about every measurable metric:
Chelsie has the higher TW% (.695 vs. .500)
Chelsie finished 1st in the final Power Rankings (Jess finished 5th)
Chelsie averaged more regular-season points (132.4 vs. 116.6)
Chelsie is averaging more points in the playoffs (157.8 vs. 122.3)
Chelsie led the league in scoring in Weeks 15 and 16
Chelsie just posted the second-highest playoff score in league history
Chelsie is starting a top-10 player in points per game at every position except kicker.
Jess is currently starting just one: Drake Maye
The simulations agree. In 10,000 runs, Chelsie wins 69% of the time. ESPN’s FantasyCast is nearly identical, giving her a 67% chance to take home the title.
And yet… a 31% chance of an upset is nothing to sneeze at.
Jess’s roster is sneakier than it looks. While she technically starts only one top-10 player in points per game, several others are right on the doorstep or top-10 in total production: Javonte Williams (RB11), Saquon Barkley (RB12), A.J. Brown (WR10 in total points), and Juwan Johnson (TE10 in total points). Add Josh Jacobs, a legitimate top-10 RB by any definition (RB6 in ppg, RB9 total points), who Jess benched in Week 16 given a nagging injury, and there’s real upside here.
Yes, D.K. Metcalf’s suspension for attempting to punch a fan could not have been timed worse. But at least Mike Evans is healthy. This team could be peaking at the right time.
And then there’s the personal history.
If Jess had played Chelsie every week this season, she would’ve won 4 out of 16 matchups. But when they actually played—back in Week 8—Jess won 153.38–130.22. More importantly, she’s 3-1 all-time against Chelsie and has won their last three meetings in a row.
So maybe this isn’t about spreadsheets anymore. Because for all of Chelsie’s advantages, she now faces the most dangerous obstacle of all: the Brandon jinx.
It’s setting up to be a scintillating final.
May the best woman win.
Previewing the Poop Bowl
And finally, we turn to the consolation ladder—where pride goes to die.
It’s Gray vs. Chelsie in the Poop Bowl! 💩
Last year’s Poop Bowl loser, Chelsie, has completed the rarest of Worst League feats by vaulting all the way from the basement to the championship game.
The man who sent her there? Gray. And now… he’s back.
Despite defeating Beth Ann in Week 15, Gray’s loss to Brandon in Week 16 dropped him right back to the bottom of the ladder, landing him in his second straight Poop Bowl appearance. Waiting for him is Beth Ann, whom he now gets the pleasure of facing again—this time with significantly higher (smellier?) stakes. These two finished 11th and 12th in the final Power Rankings, making this a perfectly earned matchup for last place.
The list of past Poop Bowl losers is short but memorable: Jess (twice), Whitney, and Chelsie.
Will the once-mighty Gray join their ignoble ranks? Or will Beth Ann—herself a former champion—claim the stink instead?
That’s it for our Finals Preview. And thanks to Chelsie for encouraging me to write one more of these despite my family shouting at me—what are you doing up there?!
So whether you’re celebrating with family, refreshing the app between bites of Christmas dinner, or pretending not to care after an early exit, this season has given us everything the Worst League promises—drama, heartbreak, and festive fun with good friends.
Two teams remain, one trophy is waiting, and by the time the holiday lights come down, a champion will be crowned. Until then, enjoy the finals, enjoy the holidays, and may your lineup be merry and bright.
