Week 5 Power Rankings
Here we are again—another week gone, and still no Power Rankings in sight. What’s the holdup this time? Sure, life’s been busy.
But mostly, I’ve been busy listening to Taylor Swift’s new album on repeat. Priorities, right? And somewhere on my 13th playback of “Opalite,” it hit me: maybe that’s the theme for this week’s Rankings…
The Power Rankings
Samantha and Geoff continue to put some distance between themselves and the rest of the pack.
This week, Taylor Swift released her twelfth studio album, The Life of a Showgirl—and wouldn’t you know it, there are 12 tracks… and 12 of us. So instead of a traditional Power Rankings, this week we’re identifying which song from the album best fits each member of our league.
That’s right. This is The Life of a Worst Leaguer.
1. “The Life of a Showgirl” – Samantha
Her name was Samantha, and her team is way better than ya. 🎶
The title track belongs to Samantha—the showgirl dancing circles around the rest of the league. It’s the closing number on Taylor’s album, but Samantha’s sitting first in the standings. At 4-1 with her third weekly prize of the season, she’s got a TW% of .818—the best start to a season since Gray’s 47-8 true record through five weeks in 2022.
Of course, that story had a twist: Gray missed the playoffs in a stunning collapse, while Samantha ended up hoisting the trophy. So maybe the “life of a showgirl”—or being an early-season frontrunner—isn’t always as glamorous as it seems. Still, even with Lamar Jackson’s injury, Samantha dazzled this week with a season-high 177.48 points, the second-best total of her career.
And if you needed any more reasons she’s the Showgirl—her tight end is Travis Kelce. 😘
2. “Wood” – Geoff
Forgive me, it sounds cocky. Geoff’s fantasy team just won’t be denied. 🎶
Knock on wood, but Geoff’s title defense couldn’t be going much better. He’s 5-0—which means he hasn’t lost a fantasy matchup in nearly 10 months, dating back to Week 14 of last season. Like the bouncy, innuendo-laced track that cheekily compares Travis Kelce’s member to, among other things, a redwood tree, Geoff’s team has reached New Heights with this start. It’s the best of his 15-year career, having never won even four of his first five before this year.
Yes, Geoff is absolutely head over heels in love with winning. And he should probably go ahead and save the date for the playoffs. That’s because 5-0 teams have never missed, with two of four going on to win the championship. His only disappointment this week? The premature insertion of Woody Marks into his lineup for just 2.4 points. But hey, take it from Taylor… it’s hard to resist a good Woody. 🌲
3. “Actually Romantic” – Erik
Like a toy chihuahua barking at me from a tiny purse—that’s how much it hurts. 🎶
Surprised to see 2-3 Erik as the new interloper among the top tier, all the way up at No. 3 after ranking 11th just two weeks ago? Me too. It seems Erik’s bite may actually be much stronger than his record suggests. He’s finished runner-up for the weekly prize two weeks in a row, dropping 140+ points each time. This week, it was the play of Rachaad White, who filled in for injured Bucky Irving, that provided a spark for Erik’s lineup.
Like Taylor’s rumored feud with Charli XCX—the supposed subject of this song—it’s unclear how serious a threat Erik poses. Is Erik truly one of the league’s big dogs this year or just another yappy chihuahua? Or maybe it’s actually romantic that I spend my weekends thinking about another man’s fantasy football team. I guess no one will ever love this game the way I do. ❤️🔥
4. “Opalite” – Greco
It’s alright! Greco’s dancing through the lightning strikes…. Now her team is opalite! 🎶
Like Taylor’s storied, tumultuous love life, it hasn’t always been clear skies for Greco this season. Four of her top six draft picks—Bucky Irving, Chuba Hubbard, Terry McLaurin, and Aaron Jones—are out with injuries. And yet, at 4-1, she’s still dancing through those lightning strikes. This week’s win over Alex was particularly lucky—she had the second-lowest score of the week, second only to Alex.
Turns out every cloud really does have a silver lining. Season-ending injuries to Tyreek Hill and Malik Nabers have unexpectedly elevated her receivers—Jaylen Waddle and Wan’Dale Robinson—into bona fide WR1s. And if history’s any guide, Greco’s never missed the playoffs after starting a season with at least four wins through five weeks—twice making the championship game. If she can keep weathering these storms, the skies ahead sure do look… opalite. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but it definitely sounds catchy and upbeat. ✨
5. “Eldest Daughter” – Jess
But I'm not a bad bitch, and this isn't savage, but I'm never gonna let you down. 🎶
One of the league’s eldest daughters—one of its founding female members—Jess has long carried the torch for the women of the Worst League. She’s third all-time in wins and fourth in points, but it’s been over a decade since she’s found herself in the spotlight of a championship. Maybe this is the year.
Her Week 5 win over Beth Ann wasn’t flashy—“just” 122.22 points in a battle of low scorers—but it came despite bye weeks for Josh Jacobs and DK Metcalf and an injury that kept Mike Evans sidelined. We haven’t seen a huge ceiling from Jess yet, but her depth keeps her steady, as shown by the fact that she’s again fourth in total scoring. Her team may not be savage, but this eldest daughter is never gonna let you down. 💅
6. “Elizabeth Taylor” – Kelly
Been number one, but I never had two. 🎶
Jacory Croskey-Merritt picked the perfect week for a breakout. With Bijan Robinson on bye, “Bill” more than filled the void, dropping 27 points as Kelly cruised to her third win of the season. Even more impressive, she did it without any of her first four draft picks—Bijan, Tee Higgins, Brock Bowers, and DJ Moore. After a disastrous rookie campaign that ended 3-11, Kelly’s already matched that win total just five games into her sophomore season.
But as Taylor muses in “Elizabeth Taylor,” success sometimes comes with a cost. Despite the early wins, Kelly’s playoff fate may come down to the final week of the regular season—when she’ll look to avenge her Week 3 loss to husband, Josh. So can you have fantasy glory and a happy marriage? Perhaps. But then again, neither Elizabeth Taylor nor Taylor Swift ever played fantasy football, did they? 💍💍💍💍💍💍💍
7. “Honey” – Chelsie
You can call her “honey” if you want because Chelsie’s the one you want. 🎶
Despite a respectable 122.62 points in Week 5—good for the top half of the league—Chelsie still picked up her third loss of the season. And it could’ve been worse: one week earlier, she eked out the narrowest win in league history. Flip that result, and she’d be sitting at 1-4.
Even so, Chelsie just might be the one you want to make a comeback from the bottom half of the Rankings. She actually ranks sixth in scoring, ahead of Kelly, and sits less than seven points out of fourth. With George Kittle expected back by Week 7 and CeeDee Lamb not far behind, a sweet finish could be in the cards for Chelsie. Just don’t call her “honey!” 🍯
8. “Father Figure” – Gray
I can make deals with the devil because my (career TW%) is bigger. 🎶
If anyone is the Father Figure of the Worst League, it’s Gray—our all-time leader in wins, points, and TW%. But just like Taylor flipped the script on controlling record execs, the league has flipped the script on Gray, who now finds himself at 1-4.
Is his team really as bad as the record indicates? Not quite. He’s the strongest of the 1-4 teams, with one unlucky loss on his ledger. In fact, only four teams have topped 120 points three times this season: Samantha, Geoff, Jess… and Gray.
So if you think he’s out of it, think again. I don’t know about making deals with the devil, but he’s already pulled off one with Kelly—trading Harold Fannin Jr. for promising backup and J.K. Dobbins handcuff RJ Harvey. Kelly has since dropped Fannin, which only proves one thing: never doubt your Father Figure. 👔
9. “Wi$h Li$t” – Josh
Got a wish (Wish) list (List), I just want…a Worst League championship. 🎶
They may dream of yachts and Balenci’ shades, but Josh’s wish list has just one thing on it: a Worst League title. Unfortunately, that dream keeps slipping through his fingers. This week was his best performance of the season—126.62 points against Geoff—but the Seahawks D/ST (-5 points) sunk him. Tough when it’s your own team that stabs you in the back.
Still, there are signs of life. The Bengals’ trade for Joe Flacco could only help his No. 1 overall pick, Ja’Marr Chase, who just dropped 29 points and reminded everyone why he went first overall. Josh already has what Taylor’s dreaming of—a house in the burbs with a couple of kids. Now, if the fantasy gods are kind, maybe that championship finally gets checked off the wish list too. 🙏
10. “Ruin the Friendship” – Alex
But I whispered at the grave, “Should've kissed you anyway.” 🎶
Is this song about one of Taylor Swift’s childhood friends or Omarion Hampton? Hard to tell. Just last week, Alex was flying high—coming off back-to-back 130+ point performances, powered largely by the breakout of the Chargers rookie RB. But just like Taylor’s late friend Jeff Lang, the inspiration for this song, Hampton’s season took a heartbreaking turn when he was sidelined with an ankle injury.
The good news? This friendship isn’t ruined forever. Hampton should be back in about four weeks, but until then, Alex finds himself lower in the Power Rankings, with as many duds as big games. Can Brian Thomas Jr. pick up the slack? Now would be the time—because another week like this, and that friendship will definitely be ruined forever. 💔
11. “CANCELLED!” – Brandon
You thought that it would be okay, at first… But they'd already picked out Brandon’s grave and hearse 🎶
Who’s had it worse—Blake Lively after the Justin Baldoni kerfuffle, or Brandon after his five-game start to this fantasy season? Hard to say. His season makes the scandal surrounding Taylor’s bestie Lively—rumored subject of the song—look tame by comparison.
Since a decent start, Brandon has been the worst team in the league over the last three weeks with a true record of just 5-28. Woof. That’s largely due to the loss of Malik Nabers and the complete incompetence of several highly drafted rookies, notably TreVeyon Henderson and Travis Hunter, not to mention the disappointing performances of Chase Brown and Jameson Williams.
But as Taylor reminds us, “a shattered glass is a lot more sharp.” So even at 1-4, don’t cancel him just yet. Historically, 1-4 teams still make the playoffs 23% of the time—and if anyone’s dramatic enough to pull off a redemption arc, it’s Brandon. 💀
12. “The Fate of Ophelia”– Beth Ann
Beth Ann lived in fantasy (football). But love was a cold bed full of scorpions. The venom stole her sanity. 🎶
Didn’t know I’d need to brush up on my Shakespeare for the latest Taylor album—but alas, “the lady doth read too much, methinks.” For those who skipped Hamlet in high school, Ophelia is the girlfriend who drowns herself after Hamlet (accidentally, okay?!) kills her dad. In short: not great. There’s more to it, but as Polonius says, “brevity is the soul of wit.”
So what does that have to do with Beth Ann? There’s something rotten in the state of Beth Ann’s lineup—a dismal 1-4 start, the worst of her career. Last year, she rallied to make the playoffs after a 2-3 start. But she was fourth in the Power Rankings then; now she’s last and 11th in points. On paper, the talent isn’t terrible: Patrick Mahomes (QB1) is resurgent, Xavier Worthy is back, and there are no major injuries to blame. But can she reclaim her throne—or will this season end in tragedy? To be or not to be in the playoffs… that is the question. ☠️
So there you have it—12 tracks, 12 teams, and way too much overanalyzing of both. We’ll see if next week’s Power Rankings drop on schedule… or at least sooner than Taylor’s next album.
